Looks like I'm spending the night alone Not even looking at my telephone The house is empty but my plans are big I've got Asgard, corn nuts, and a wig I've got Asgard (and that's where Thor comes from) I've got corn nuts (a little yum yum yum) I've got a wig (and it's Brazilian) I've got the perfect elements for night for one If you were stopping on by the house You'd see me sitting pretty on the couch My snack is corny but it isn't nuts And it's all topped off with Disney Plus I've got Asgard (I'm talking Ragnarok) I've got corn nuts (the only snack they had in stock) I've got a wig (I'm wearing it around the clock) And all my thoughts are coming to me in baby talk I've got Asgard (repeating on my TV screen) I've got corn nuts (the champion's cuisine) I've got a wig (I'm looking like a fancy queen) I guess I'm doing pretty well in quarantine

My grade school music teacher Was named Mrs. Stump Or maybe it was Mrs. Stumpf I’m not sure if there was an “f” at the end of it I was a kid, and my memory is selective And maybe is was Miss or maybe it was Mrs I’m pretty sure it wasn’t Ms She drove a Trans Am On the hood was painted a large feathered, winged, egg-laying vertebrate with a beak Some might have simply called it a bird Specifically an eagle, or perhaps a hawk I couldn’t say for certain And I only know a little about birds I went birding once and I liked it It was more of a beginner’s guided 60 minute tour where the local nature center supplied binoculars For a $2 donation Also I used to listen to bird sounds at night, On a cassette that I checked out from my local public library I don’t remember much except the common grackle She got mad at me once during music class Because I rolled up a piece of paper And pretended it was a cigarette She yelled for what seemed like an eternity It wasn’t an eternity Cuz If it was she’d still be yelling Every week we got to pick a song for the entire class to sing Like Yellow Submarine I would raise my hand and request that we sing a song called Cat’s in the Cradle Which is a really depressing song about a dad and a son The dad ignores his son and is always promising the son more attention But never follows through because he’s busy with work And then when the son grows up and the dad is older and needs attention And the kid has been conditioned his whole life to not receive any attention So the tables turn and now the kid doesn’t have time for the dad any more And the dad probably dies, though I don’t know if the song mentions that It was written a long time ago so I can’t imagine that the dad is still living And I guess the lesson of that song is hug your kids It’s a pretty harrowing song and I loved it when I was 8 I was probably a depressed kid Wrapped up in a goofy awkward kid I’m more comfortable in my own skin now Even though that didn’t happen until I was 40 or so Still, that’s a good thing And now that I think about it I’m almost positive it was Stumpf

People on the dancing floor Seen it all and still want more Something fresh and something new Something with an attitude You've got something they've never seen Of course you do, you dancing queen Just bend down low and shake your spine Now you're doing the porcupine Now shake it Everybody stares in awe They're picturing your little claws They're just jealous, hold the line They just don't know the porcupine Now shake it Europe, Asia, Africa North and South America Eating clover, leaves, and twigs You're also known as a quill pig No! You're the porcupine

I want to kiss and cuddle And melt in a puddle With you ooo ooo I want to hug and smile And linger for a while With you ooo ooo Oh I do Yeah I do But I’m a prickly prickly porcupine I’ll make you bleed and then you die Prickly prickly porcupine Make you bleed and then you die Prickly prickly porcupine I’ll make you bleed and then you die So we shouldn’t I want to sidle up next to you Do the things we like to do Ooo ooo ooo I want to write a love letter Make each other feel better Boopee doopee doopee doo I want to meet your mom and dad Hold each other and be glad I do ooo ooo I want to kiss you on the mouth And then we’ll buy a house For me and you Oh I do Yeah I do But I’m a prickly prickly porcupine I’ll make you bleed and then you die Prickly prickly porcupine I’ll make you bleed and then you die My body’s made of little knives Get too close, meet your demise I’m sharp, jagged, and dangerous I’m made of shards, you’ll make a fuss You’ll scream out in sheer agony You’ll curse the day you ever met me You’ll die crumpled at my feet Oh it will be so bittersweet So we shouldn’t And your blood will stain my needles So I’ll have to take a bath (Yawn) I’m tired

Well I'm a footnote, baby, and I don't mean maybe And I'm sitting underneath your main text You could have fit me into the yarn you spin But you're the author so I guess you know best It ain't that cool to be supplementary To be a little insignificant fact But if there's any information than requires explanation They can look to me and then they'll look back I'm just a footnote, yeah I'm just a footnote I'm just a footnote, I'm just a little old footnote But now the glossary, the index and me You'll see us coming up and over the trench Because the day has come for revolution And we're finally gonna get our revenge All the other words are gonna really hurt When I take over the spotlight for once 'Cause once I finally got 'em they'll be down here at the bottom Yeah, those cocky and conceited old... jerks I'm not just a footnote, no not just a footnote I'm not just a footnote, throw some respect on the footnote Now with the battle won, you'd think my work is done But if you're squeamish then you'd better not look 'Cause I'll direct my rage at the title page Then, motherfucker, I will be the whole book I'm not just a footnote, I am a violent footnote And now you're the footnote, this is revenge of the footnote

These twelve years together have never been better You know that I love you so much Oh, you're such a delight each and every night With your belching and farting and such At dinner you're able to sit at the table Just clipping the nails of your toes And if we split up you know that you're fucked 'Cause I know things that nobody knows Oh, now that I've loved you There's no reason to fear you If ever you leave me I can always just smear you I’ve learned so much about you From just being near you If ever you leave me I can always smear you I will never forget that night we first met Your smile made me weak in the knees Even though you're no hunk and when you get drunk You get racist about the Chinese Oh, I'll never get sick of your miniature prick Or the tramp stamp you have of Saddam But if you cease to hold me remember you told me How you really feel 'bout your mom Oh, now that I've loved you There's no reason to fear you If ever you leave me I can always just smear you I’ve learned so much about you From just being near you If ever you leave me I can always smear you

14 angel hair pasta noodles Sitting on the side of the road One got married and was never fulfilled and remained in the marriage out of fear of change questioning every decision in life Until she sought help from a licensed therapist who helped restore a sense of self-worth and independence Eat your pasta every day For every meal and in between 14 helpings, one pound each Gain some weight and strengthen your heart 14 fusili pasta noodles Sitting on the side of the road 5 of them rented a cabin and spent a weekend exploring themselves and each other 3 of the 5 were totally on board Now they’re in a triad The other two are living a monogamous life yet are still thankful for the experience Eat your pasta every day Breakfast, lunch, and dinner and dessert 14 helpings, one pound each Don’t believe the serving size you read on the box 14 macaroni pasta noodles Sitting on the side of the road 12 graduated from a university Even though their hearts weren’t in it They went through the motions because they couldn’t stand up to their parents Now they’re stuck in middle management and in their 40s Paying a student loan with a major that’s irrelevant Eat your pasta every day Set it on fire and see if it burns Question the nature of reality And never believe that consciousness is a tangible construct Its tactile nature is subjective Maybe you’re a non-playing character in somebody else’s dream and that’s why you’re going nowhere in life Hmmm hmmm hmm hmmm

Yeah ye ye Ye ye ye Ye ye ye I’ve been waiting for this day all summer Even had the chance to have a lover I’ve never been kissed I said no I can’t go to the movies Gotta get ready for the first day of school And that day is finally here Took my toothbrush to clean my sneakies Then I used the same toothbrush to brush my teethies Picked out my outfit picked out my jewels Before I got on the bus I took my morning poo THEN BAM Walk into the class Teacher plops stapled paper in my hand It’s the moment we’ve been waiting fooooooor It’s time to read the CHORUS SYLLABUS SYLLABUS SYLLABUS SYL-LEE-BUS SYLLABUS SYLLABUS SYLLABUS SYL-LEE-BUS But first I gotta tell everyone what I did last summer Frank 1: My names Frank Frank 2: My names Frank Frank 2: Over the summer I met Tom Hanks Frank 1: I rode a tank Both: That’s basically the same thing! Let’s be friends! OK! Wait but first we need to get back to the SYL-LEE-BUS SYLLABUS Oh right! The Syllabus Heehee There’s something about the smell of the paper The bullet points and its organized nature Comic Sans Size 12 Is music to my eyes But the best part of this day Is that we don’t have to use our brains Like at all Frank 1: Oh, Mrs. Fark! I’ll read the first paragraph! Mrs. F: Oh go right ahead, my dear!! Frank 1: Week one, colon First bullet point Students will read Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone Period Second bullet point Mrs. F: Oh dear, you don’t have to read all the punctuation out - Frank 1: Excuse me, Mrs. Fark. I don’t appreciate you interrupting me Mrs. F: Oh so sorry Frank Sally Buss: Ahem, I’m Sally Buss. Um I’m not allowed to read Harry Potter. My parents said magic is a sin Mrs. F: I’m sure they did Sally Buss. Well I guess we’ll have to read Moby Dick instead! Class: Awwww man. Classic Sally Buss. Buzzkill!! God damn that CHORUS SALLY BUSS SALLY BUSS SALLY BUSS SAL-LEE-BUSS SALLY BUSS SALLY BUSS SALLY BUSS SAL-LEE-BUSS DING DING DING Frank 1: What it’s time to go ALREADY! Frank 2: How did this day go by so sl-fast Frank 1: I’ll never forget the new faces I met Frank 2: It feels like just this morning we learned how to ask permission to go pee or poop Frank 1: We learned to burp on the inside not the out Frank 2: Chivalry is not dead Frank 1: I’ll never forget this #day Frank 2: No homework no tests no expectaaaaayayayyyayyyayyytions Frank 2: Frank? Frank 1: Yes Frank? Frank 2: Shall we? Frank 1: Sure! Hey, wait That bus is blue. Frank 2: That looks silly. Both: That’s a silly bus!!! Driver: Hey kids! I don’t recognize you! You must be new to Route 66!! What did you learn in school today? Franks: Nothing!! Driver: Cool! All aboard!! Time to ride the….. CHORUS SILLY BUS SILLY BUS SILLY BUS SIL-LEE-BUS SILLY BUS SILLY BUS SILLY BUS SIL-LEE-BUS Frank 1: Hey, Frank, I can’t seem to find my Syllabus anywhere Frank 2: Wait, wait, a second me neither! Frank 1: Fuck, I guess we lost it Frank 2: They really should make it digital! Frank 1: But there’s something about the smell of the paper-SMACK! Frank 2: Not again! We just sang that! Driver: Alright since there’s no kids left on this bus. I guess I’ll go home! Frank 2: I think we missed our stop! SILLY US! Silly us!