Christmas music swells, as you hear a keyboard typing. SANTA Okay! Karen gets a stuffed puppy, aaaaaaand Dennis gets an army action figure set… Ho, ho, ho! Alright, elves! THAT’s IT! All the presents have been sent! ELVES Hooray! SANTA I tell ya what! This Santa Prime program is a thing of genius! Now we can get presents to all the good children AND stay quarentined, here in the North Pole. Nice job Jingle! JINGLE Thanks Santa! ELVES Yay Jingle! SANTA It’ll definitely be odd staying home this year, but we’ll get through this. Right? ELVES You betcha Santa! SANTA Alright, I’m going to check on Mrs. Claus and see if she needs anything! Ho ho ho! SANTA leaves. BINGLE Ugh… He’s gone! TINGLE Finally! I thought he’d never leave! JINGLE Right? Our one night of the year without the big guy, and now we’re stuck here with him… CLYDE Santa is nice! JINGLE/BINGLE/TINGLE Shut up Clyde! CLYDE I mean, we had that week where they went on vacation to that motel! It’s not like we’re NEVER alone. BINGLE Clyde, you are just… The worst. JINGLE Can we at least do our annual story and song time? TINGLE Yeah! Look, gang! We’ve probably got time for 16 stories and songs, before Santa gets bored with Mrs. Claus and starts bugging us again. 19 if we pay for the whole album… JINGLE What? BINGLE What? TINGLE What? CLYDE CHRISTMAS! JINGLE/BINGLE/TINGLE Shut up Clyde! JINGLE How do you think the reindeer are handling this? BINGLE Oh, I know! I heard them dealing with it earlier today. TINGLE STORY TIME! CLYDE I want a song! BINGLE We’ll get to songs. Okay, so… Earlier today, Blitzen walked into the barn…

REINDEER General babbling and talking noises BLITZEN Ok fellow Reindeer! announcement! .. announcement! SHUTUP! REINDEER (Reindeer become silent) Sorry, sorry BLITZEN As you all know there has been a crazy virus spreading throughout our world and it is no longer safe to be outside. SO in an effort to flatten the curve and for solidarity's sake, we will be spending the christmas season inside this year REINDEER GHASP!!!! CUPID BUT BLITZEN IM A REINDEER AND I BELONG OUTSIDE! BLITZEN You’re also a part of a community Cupid, so you need to stay inside VIXEN Hey Blitzen, I don’t know if you know this, but uhh, it's hot and small inside BLITZEN Thank you Vixen, I know, i know, But this is for the best VIXEN But it’s feels good and big outside BLITZEN I understand, but it's safe inside and that's where we need to be VIXEN Incredulously Hot and enclosed upon!? whugh? COMET Heyy Blitzen BLITZEN Yes, Comet COMET Blitzen, the problem I have with the inside is that it's so flat in there. See, the outside is so hilly and the land changes naturally and gradually as it should and does. Inside, everythings mathematically level and it screws with my perceptions. I’ll be standing on one part of the inside, and i’ll be looking at another part of the inside, and i’ll be like, is that uphill or did i just become shorter? BLITZEN I see COMET So i would just really feel more comfortable if i could spend christmas outside because when i’m inside... i struggle with planes VIXEN Not to mention it’s Hot and Small!!! BLITZEN Alright you two, lets just maybe both take a nap and we’ll talk later DASHER Hey Blitzen? I just wanted you to know that I don't have any problems with the outside, why just last week I was out there and I was lookin at the tall grasses, and I coulda swore all that grass was just huggin and lovin on eachother. Real sweet sight. I love the outside. BLITZEN Thats nice Dasher, but they weren’t complaining about the outside, they were complaining about the inside DASHER Oh the inside!? but its hot and small in there! VIXEN YEAH! DASHER Not to mention its hard to tell the way the ground is in terms of planes! COMET YEAH! BLITZEN Ok you 3, lets go to bed CUPID HEY BLITZEN HOW BOUT THIS, IM A REINDEER AND I BELONG OUTSIDE YOU CUCK BLITZEN Cupid go to bed PRANCER Hey Blitzen i i too would like to complain about the inside BLITZEN Sure Prancer PRANCER Thank you so long story short, all i really want to say is that I don’t like all the doors that are indoors. This one time i was inside, and i must uh got turned around or somethin because before you know it, i didn’t know how to leave! There were so many doors and they just led to more parts of the inside! CUPID NOT TO MENTION HOOVES CAN’T TURN HANDLES! DONNER (scream crying) YEAH! And how the HELL am I supposed to YELL at PENGUINS if IM TRAPPED BEHIND A DOOR!? REINDEER ANGRY CHEERS & JEERS BLITZEN EVERYBODY LISTEN! CHRISTMAS HAS TO BE INSIDE THIS YEAR, THATS JUST HOW IT IS! PRANCER Hold on I didn’t get to finish my story, what I was gonna say was so then I thought I finally did find the door to the outside, I was able to open it by placing the knob firmly between my buttcheeks and sneezing. But the door wasn’t to the outside! it was to a small candle lit room where my daddy was lovingly rubbing cream on my mommys chapped udders! BLITZEN yeesh, um, im sorry you had to see that Prancer. That’s awful. But I don’t see what that has to do with our current situation. Whether you like it or not, this year Christmas is inside! Hey has anybody seen Dancer? SFX Door closing DANCER Oh hey everybody I just got back from CVS! I bought candles and creams! Reindeer NOOOOOOO!!!!!!

VOCALIST Santa shark doo doo doo doo doo doo Is on his way doo doo doo doo doo doo Checks his list doo doo doo doo doo doo Finds Your Name KID ONE Hey Santa Shark! You’ve been good doo doo doo doo doo doo Tried and True doo doo doo doo doo doo Here’s a gift doo doo doo doo doo doo Made Just for you KID TWO What about me? VOCALIST (cont.) You’ve been bad doo doo doo doo doo doo Full of spite doo doo doo doo doo doo Santa Shark doo doo doo doo doo doo Takes a bite KIDS ONE I can explain... VOCALIST (cont.) So much blood doo doo doo doo doo doo Sea is red doo doo doo doo doo doo So be good doo doo doo doo doo Or you’ll be dead wave sounds seagulls GUY You’re gonna need a bigger sleigh.

Exterior a charming inn that has an old 50’s neon vacancy sign that crackles and cuts in and out. SFX: Sleigh Bells SFX: A car turning off SFX: Neon sign Santa Well, this is it, we made it! Mrs. Claus I thought that it looked nicer in the pictures… SFX: Door creaks open Santa It’s charming, you'll see when you give it a chance. SFX: Suitcases drop to ground Mrs. Claus (sighing) Oh, why did we have to go to this dump? We have such an amazing place at the North Pole, we could have just stayed there and gone to a different part. Santa This will be nice, besides we tried that and we couldn't get away from the elves. You know that they’re nosy and they would have found us anywhere at the North Pole. SFX: Rummaging through bag Mrs. Claus Oh crap, I should have brought the Cocoa! I need that, it’s so soothing, it's the one thing that I have to drink at the North Pole that I enjoy. Mrs. Claus You should have packed it, I asked you to pack it. Santa You could use a break from the Cocoa sometimes, you have it too much and get that weird breath. How about you just enjoy some tea or some coffee. Here’s a coffee maker! SFX: Picking up coffee maker. Santa Hmmm, I’ve never heard of Uncle Coffee, do you know that brand? Mrs. Claus No, I don’t like coffee, it makes me too jittery. But, I'll take some tea if there's anything good, otherwise no. SFX: Setting down coffee maker. Santa This is supposed to be our big getaway, live a little and have some coffee, it's okay to be jittery. As a matter of fact, I’ll have a cup right now. SFX: Noise stomach gurgles. Santa(7) Ohhhhh, wait… my stomach isn’t sitting right from that jerky I had on the ride down. SFX: Door knocks with “knock, knock” text. Innkeeper Knock, knock! Did I hear someone say they have an upset stomach? Grab some bark from the Hickory Tree outside and make some tea from it. That’ll fix ya! Mrs. Claus See honey, tea, that’s what we need, thank you. Santa I’m fine, we’re fine, no thank you, and how did you get in here? Innkeeper It's a small town, we keep everything unlocked around here. Are you sure about the tea? It really helps. Also, if you’re looking for something to do, you gotta check out the fairgrounds, it has the south midwest's biggest ball of hand-spun undyed yarn. Mrs. Claus(7) Ok, we appreciate it, thank you. Santa Yes, we'll find you if we have any questions, we're ready to relax and have some time together, soo… Innkeeper Say no more! I hate to overstay my welcome, see you around the grounds. SFX: Door closes. Santa Ok, let's get back to the spirit of this getaway, we were going to try new things. First thing I can think of is I asked you to bring 2 Chainz's album. SFX: Handcuffs coming out of a bag. Mrs. Claus I thought you said bring two chains, for something kinky. Santa No, I wanted us to listen to 2 Chainz. Mrs. Claus Oh, I thought this was going to be our adventurous weekend. I had lots of plans and read all of these articles. SFX: Handcuffs are tossed back in the bag. SFX: Door quickly creaks open. Innkeeper Did someone say chains and whips? Santa Whoa, whoa, whoa, no one said anything about whips! Mrs. Claus I don't know, maybe we should try it with him? Santa Are you out of your mind? We can't bring this random person into our bedroom like that. Mrs. Claus You never want to try anything new! Santa This is way different than our jet skiing conversation. Innkeeper You really should be more open-minded. My cousin used to not eat goat cheese and now she loves it. Santa Can you please just leave? This is a private conversation. Innkeeper You seem like you're really tense, have you ever had a shiatsu massage? Mrs. Claus I've been telling him he should get a massage for ages, he doesn't like people touching him. Innkeeper You know I used to have that problem, but now I love getting touched. Are you sure I can't touch you? SFX: A step closer/floor creak. Santa Yes, I'm sure you can't touch me! This is supposed to be a nice relaxing getaway for me and my wife, I don't need some random guy touching me. Now if you’ll kindly excuse us and leave us alone to enjoy our trip. Innkeeper (as he is leaving) Ok, ok, ok, you don’t have to tell me twice. Enjoy your stay and I’ll send over some complimentary local honey. SFX: Door closes. Mrs. Claus He’s gone, let’s get back to us. I want this to be a great time for you too. I know the elves have strained our marriage over the years and we don’t get away often enough. Santa It’s not just them, but my work too. I constantly worry about letting down all those children and their families. Mrs. Claus In all that worrying, you forgot about the most important family of all .... ours. Santa You’re right. You are my north star, every day, in every way. Mrs. Claus (in a sly way) Come on, Mr. Claus, we have plenty of time to work on our marriage and have fun while doing it. SFX: Fabric rub/shoulder rub. Santa Maybe we can get a couples massage after all. Mrs. Claus That's more like it. Maybe a whole spa day? SFX: Arm pat. Santa If that’s what it takes to start to improve our marriage. SFX: Door opens quickly. Innkeeper Did someone say they need their marriage fixed? I am a licensed... Mrs. Claus (interrupting) Get out! SFX: Door closes slowly. SFX: Sleigh Bells + Christmassy music.

“Last Christmas in the House” By Matt Wixson and Graham Leslie The days are short this time of year Which means the next one’s growing near So put that ugly sweater on And build a snowman on the lawn You hear the happy people shout It’s Trump’s last Christmas in the house A workshop with a thousand elves Couldn’t match the gift we gave ourselves The rational regained control And burned him like a lump of coal It’s what the season’s all about It’s Trump’s last Christmas in the house Goodbye, liar and faker and racist and terror So long, grabber and groper and con man and failure We’ll finally see the end of you So may all your Christmases be blue We all sing songs by fire light ‘Cause all is calm and all is right The children smile and dress the tree And sleep in a democracy His time in charge is running out It’s Trump’s last Christmas in the house At least I think so It’s Trump’s last Christmas in the house God, I really hope so It’s Trump’s last Christmas in the house It fuckin’ better be Trump’s last Christmas in the house

ABEL and MABEL are playing cards, the CAPTAIN is walking out the door. SFX: Dripping noise CAPTAIN Crewman, it looks like the ship’s got a minor leak, you going to do anything about it? ABEL No sir, Captain! I’m on break. CAPTAIN Atta boy. The Submarine Union fought too hard for these rules to throw them away. MABEL You run a tight ship Captain, it’s why we love you CAPTAIN I’ll see you two in 10 and then it’s back to salting all the squid attached to the ship to see if they shrivel up like slugs CAPTAIN EXITS SFX: door opening and closing, really clunky MABEL pulls out a deck of cards and starts shuffling MABEL Alright we got time for one game. Joker calls, deuces wild, no double-dipping SFX: Card Shuffling ABEL I think I know how to play rummy, just deal SFX: cards being dealt ABEL Ok, two in the pot MABEL Call ABEL Raise MABEL All in ABEL Rummy MABEL Ahhhhhh, ya got me! SFX: a popping noise, and then some water streaming MABEL (contd.) Ok there are definitely a couple more leaks now ABEL Uh, yeah. Um it’s ok, let’s just keep going. MABEL I mean, we’re on break, so ABEL Exactly, we’re on break. Ok where were we MABEL Uh, do you have any 3’s? ABEL Gin MABEL Ah, ya got me again! SFX: Metal creaking noises, a louder pop, VERY obvious water noise ABEL Whoa momma! MABEL Alright the ship is absotutely leaking ABEL OK OK remember the training, we gotta get the ship bandaids MABEL Private. We’re on break. ABEL Right. We’re on break. (beat) SFX: Card shuffling and dealing noise MABEL (very serious now, resigned) Hokey Pokey rules: left cards in, right cards out ABEL Ok I draw one Community Chest card. Yes. MABEL You win the beauty contest? ABEL I won the beauty contest. MABEL Nice, here’s your $50 SFX: at this point the water noise is so loud and they’re talking over it ABEL It’s all wet MABEL Well it was in my wallet and my wallet’s in my pants and my pants are on my chair and the water’s pretty much up to the table, but ABEL and MABEL together We’re on break ABEL Right, we’re on break. (nervous laughter) SFX: Knocking CAPTAIN is at the door with OTHER CREWMAN CAPTAIN CREWMEN! The hull’s been punctured! We need to start repairs, STAT. The door’s jammed, you gotta open it on your side! (beat) MABEL (mouth water garbled) Captain, we’re...we’re on break. I wish we could help. ABEL (mouth water garbled) But we’re on a break CAPTAIN We fought hard for that break, crewmen! SFX: gurgling noise as the cabin finishes filling with water MABEL and ABEL Gargling and gurgling noises as they die CAPTAIN Alright crewman weld this door up, we’ll seal the chamber this way. That room’s as full of water as it’s gonna be OTHER CREWMAN Aye aye, Captain! SFX: Sparking continues then stops CAPTAIN What are you doing crewman! Why are you stopping? We have to seal the door! OTHER CREWMAN I’m sorry captain. I’m so sorry. But it’s 10 past 3. CAPTAIN We’re...on break (Beat) CAPTAIN (contd) (casually) And to think, all this on CHRISTMAS- SFX: louder creaking noise, then a complete gushing of water noise

CLYDE See!?! They were on break AND it was Christmas! BEAT CLYDE Huh? Huh? Come on! Humans are weird! Get it? JINGLE Clyde, you don’t get to tell stories anymore. TINGLE SANTA’S COMING ELVES Jinle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way! SANTA There’s my happy elves! ELVES Hey Santa! SANTA Have you guys seen my 2 Chainz album? ELVES Nope! SANTA Son of a candy cane! Okay, well I’ll check if Frosty has it. Santa Shark, doo do doo do! TINGLE He’s gone! JINGLE We just want ONE night! BINGLE Alright, alright! Sit back as I tell you the story of one guy who spent Christmas all ALONE!

GUILT FREE CHRISTMAS ALONE I woke up christmas morning and i ran downstairs Then i made myself some breakfast and i sat down in my chair then grabbed my favorite book and i petted my cats hair Then I fell asleep again and I slept till noon Guilt free christmas alone! Guilt free christmas alone! Then I opened my one present that i wrapped for myself Then I turned on the tv and i watched the movie elf Then I searched for chinese food on yelp Then I watched elf again and it was funny again Guilt free christmas alone! Guilt free christmas alone! What a beautiful year No obligations this year Didn’t have to see anyone Because I lied about having coronavirus Guilt free christmas alone! Guilt free christmas alone! Guilt free christmas alone! Guilt free christmas alone!

Santa Rode a Mule Sue Durso & Matt Wixson Well. Santa rode a mule, that’s what they taught in school And when I finally saw the world, I felt like such a fool Everybody else had reindeer, sleighs and bells Well that’s just not my Christmas, not the way that granny tells Santa dragged his sack around Atop his Christmas ass But we were always last in town He saved the worst for last Granny told the story of Santa and his mule, Old Glory Bringing gifts to all the kids from his North Pole inventory But we never got no toys like the other girls and boys We got wooden matches, tin can lids and old maps of Illinois Santa dragged his sack around Atop his Christmas ass But we were always last in town He saved the worst for last And then came Christmas Day, when we would run and play With our gifts of whittled sticks and balled up wads of hay We grew up and moved to the city, where Christmas shined so pretty We realized ol’ granny’s lies, and that felt downright… awful Santa dragged his sack around Atop his Christmas ass But we were always last in town He saved the worst for last Well, Santa rode a mule, that’s what they taught in school And when I finally saw the world, I felt like such a fool Everybody else had reindeer, sleighs and bells Well that’s just not my Christmas, not way that granny tells

SFX SOFT XMAS MUSIC PLAYING AND ALSO THE SOUNDS OF CLANKING AND HAMMERING OF TOYS. EVERY SO OFTEN A FART IS HEARD WITH THEM GETTING PROGRESSIVELY LONGER AND MORE PRONOUNCED AS THEY COME. WE FINALLY HEAR THE LOUDEST LONGEST ONE NUTMEG Ah c’mon!!! BUBBLES What...what’s up? Oh my Santa, it’s snowing?? AGAIN??? (SFX QUESTION LIKE TRUMPET FART) That was you. NUTMEG No! What?! Firstly, we live in the NORTH POLE! It snows literally every day! But, gah! Stop trying to change the subject! We’ve GOT to talk about your flatulence problem. I’m embarrassed to say I’ve gotten quite used to the wretched sounds of your butt bassoon, but the smell! My Santa, the smell!!! BUBBLES I don’t even know what you’re talking about. (SFX FART SOUND) PEPPERMINT Did she just fart a Christmas carol? BUBBLES No! It was my shoe. NUTMEG Your shoes are made of felt. BUBBLES Yeah, well. Whoever felt it, DEALT it so (SFX FART SOUND) NUTMEG Come ON!!! PEPPERMINT I got this. Listen, sweetie. (coughing, gagging) Whew!! I was gonna try and do a whole “Come To Santa” thing here but I think I just ate that. (coughing, gagging) Tastes like frozen fruitcake salad mixed with a holiday meat tree. (SFX LIL FART) NUTMEG That’s it!!! This has to stop! Your bottom burping has gotten so out of control that you’re not even able to hear instructions on the toy builds and it’s majorly messing up our fulfillment projections! BUBBLES I’ll have you know, I take my craft VERY seriously (SFX FART SOUND) and not to toot my own horn but my ears are WAY longer than yours so if anyone has a problem hearing orders, it’s probably you. (SFX FART SOUND) PEPPERMINT Okay, that one sprayed me in the eye. NUTMEG (yelling) CASE IN POINT! Here are the instructions for the newest 2020 Present Pets Glitter Puppy Rainbow Bright Edition. I’ll read, you TRY and assemble. BUBBLES Easy peasy, frosty freezy. (SFX FART SOUND) NUTMEG Stop it. BUBBLES Okay honestly that one was you. NUTMEG (losing it, sigh/growl) First you, (gives instructions) (SFX ONE LONG, LONG FART SOUND WITH TINY BITS OF INSTRUCTION HEARD HERE AND THERE) ....and then you seal the shrink wrap. BUBBLES (SFX PLASTIC PACKAGING) TaaaaDaaaaaaaa PEPPERMINT Okay, not to be grinchy, but that dog looks ill. Also, it’s tail is still over there on your workbench... BUBBLES Okay. So I missed maybe a few of the instructions. Giving toys character is a gift in itself if you think about it. PEPPERMINT Oh Santa. Oh my FREAKING Santa I’m gonna be sick! (coughing/gagging) NUTMEG (dry heaving/crying) Gahhh!! That last one you “gifted” us with was on delay. My eyes are burning!!! I can’t breathe. It feels like I just walked directly into your butthole only to find myself surrounded by piles of rotting corpses. Bodies and bodies of people you’ve trapped inside your stench fortress who’s decomposing skin is burning off into clouds engulfing the night sky. I’m your latest capture and you’ve battened down the hatches!! You’re disgusting and you won’t get away with this! You hear me??! You let me out this instant you gum drop head!!! (Peppermint and Bubbles gasp) (SFX JINGLE BELLS AND WIND) (Santa appears) SANTA Ho, Oh, No!! Did I hear one of my very own elves call one of their buddies a gum drop head? PEPPERMINT Sir, it was Nutmeg. He said he walked into Bubbles (trying to put it politely) anal area and got stuck inside. And then...and then he said it. NUTMEG I’m sorry. I regret losing my cool but I simply cannot work in these conditions. SANTA And what conditions might those be. NUTMEG Open..Ass. (Everyone gasps) SANTA Is this true, Bubbles? How do I put this delicately? Is your, you know, “chimney” open...right now? BUBBLES No. I don’t know, maybe? The truth is, I have a problem. I was born with it and have had it my whole life. It’s why I have no friends and constantly feel like everyone hates me. (crying) I’ve never known love and I know in my heart I never will. SANTA Come here, my child. Look into my snow globe and see the truth - that you are beloved and very much wanted in this world. (SFX DREAMLIKE SOUND AND VOICES OF CHILDREN ASKING SANTA FOR A FARTING ELF DOLL FOR CHRISTMAS. THEN WE HEAR THE DREAMLIKE SOUND AGAIN) SANTA (B Roll, pauses in between) And what would YOU like for Christmas? Ho ho ho!! (chuckling) I’ll be sure to check my workshop for one You were a very good child this year, indeed BUBBLES (sniffling/ touched) Wow. It never occurred to me that there might be people in the world who think my “condition” is cool. That someone might one day LOVE me for the very thing I’ve always hated about myself… (SFX TRUMPET QUESTION FART) (pause) SANTA Get the (SFX FART SOUND) off my lap, you foul (SFX FART SOUND) stink mink! I feel like I’m trapped inside a stocking that’s just an armpit filled with pea soup. I hate you. You’re (SFX FART SOUND) fired!!

If the government took the post office away Does that mean that they took away Santa's sleigh? If package delivery isn’t affordable I cant send presents to my cousins, they’re adorable If the government took the post office away What would we do on that magic day When we open our eyes to see that nothings there Not even grandma’s yearly gift of costco underwear There’s some things that don’t need to be privatized That shouldn’t be hard to understand even for a genius business mind There’s some things that need to be accessible to everyone Like food, and water, and sending letters to St Nicholas Will government make us miss christmas? No, not even government can make us miss christmas So the government thinks the post office is old So how do we get our letters up to the north pole We can’t walk or fly cause we might get sick and die Maybe i could zoom chat santa, does he have wifi? So the government thinks the post office’s butt stinks They think that we think its something we don’t need Well baby guess what, maybe my butt stinks too Stinking is just something my butt tends to do I also have hemorrhoids and fissures up inside of there And sores and ulcers caused by lack of access to care I’d hope some sort of doctor could help me out with that But the government made it so i can’t afford it Will government make us miss christmas? (or help me fix my butt?) No, not even government can make us miss christmas (or help me fix my butt) I’m so sorry that this song took a tiny turn But it’s hard to write christmas songs when your butt burns What i mean to say is lets fund the post office Because so many lovely people depend on it I also have hard stool but i know how to fix that one I need more fiber that would help me out a ton See how i fixed my own problem there? The government could too They could just fund the postal service but they refuse Will government make us miss christmas? (or help us fix our butts?) No not even government can make us miss christmas (Or help us fix our butts) X2

SANTA Ho Ho Ho! Santa is ready for his next child. LIL PENNY Oooh! Me! Me! I’m Next! SANTA Well, come on up here! DAD (Whispering to LIL PENNY) Do NOT mess this up. LIL PENNY climbs up on Santa’s lap. SANTA Hello there! And what is your name, little girl? LIL PENNY I’m Lil’ Penny! SANTA Ho ho ho! Hello Lil Penny! Have you been good this year? LIL PENNY Well, not exactly… SANTA Not exactly? DAD loudly clears his throat. LIL PENNY Erm… wait, no, I’ve been good. DAD That’s right! ‘Ja hear that, Santa? Good as a whistle. LIL PENNY Except when I threw a full pencil box at Ricky Hobson’s head. SANTA You did what? DAD (nervously) Ha ha ha, she’s got quite the imagination. The only naughty thing she’s done this year is lie just now. (half-discreetly whispering to LIL PENNY) What the hell are you doing? You’re blowing it! SANTA (not in character) Uh… I think she can (clears throat and goes back into SANTA mode) I think she can tell me herself Ho Ho Ho. LIL PENNY Yeah… I was good. SANTA Well that’s good to hear! Ho ho ho! And is there anything special you’d like for Christmas this year? LIL PENNY (excited) Yeah! There’s a really cool set of paintbrushes I was looking at but my allowance isn’t enough to buy them and--- DAD No! You’re lying. SANTA What? DAD She’s lying, your honor. SANTA Your honor? I… LIL PENNY No, he’s right. I’m full of it. That’s not what I want. DAD That’s right. She’s full of it. SANTA Uh… Okay, what do you want, then? LIL PENNY I want… I want you to beat up my Dad’s neighbor Derek. SANTA What?? LIL PENNY Kick his ass to next Christmas. Hand him the beatdown of a lifetime. SANTA I don’t... LIL PENNY Like… With a suplex or a piledriver or something. SANTA Uh… Santa doesn’t normally beat people up. DAD C’mon! Your honor! She said she was good! SANTA But! Why? What did Derek do? LIL PENNY (Unenthusiastically, as if reciting off a notecard) Derek is a no-good deadbeat who never returns leafblowers, has very loud parties that go long past the HOA curfew, left his Halloween decorations up past Thanksgiving, and is an all around arrogant scoundrel who needs to be taco down a pen. DAD Taken down a peg. LIL PENNY Taken down a peg. SANTA Lil Penny. Is this what you really want for Christmas? LIL PENNY Yes. Derek is a bastard. He needs to be given a beating for the ages. SANTA Oh really… DAD Gee, now that I think of it, Derek is kind of a bastard, isn’t he? LIL PENNY Christmas is a time of magic and wonder, please kick Derek’s ass. SANTA Are you sure you don’t want those paintbrushes you were talking about earlier? LIL PENNY Well… DAD OBJECTION! Leading the witness! SANTA Overruled! I mean… what??? SFX of DAD struggling with the elves DAD GET. YOUR. HANDS. OFF ME. YOU STUPID ELF. LIL PENNY Dad? DAD Penny, I’ll take it from here. Go wait by the Spencer Gifts. LIL PENNY Yes, sir… SANTA What is going on here? DAD (groveling/crying) Please… PLEEEASE beat up Derek. I’m too scared to stand up to him. He’s so mean to me. Calls me names. He even cheesed my mailbox. SANTA Hmmm… So this Derek is a bully, huh? DAD Yes… SANTA Were you a good boy this year? DAD Yeah, besides that full pencil box I threw at Ricky Hobson’s head… SANTA And you promise never to make Lil Penny fight your battles for you again? DAD Yes! Yes. Anything! Just please beat the hell out of Derek. SANTA Ho ho ho! I’ll see what I can do. DAD Thank you. It would mean so much to me. I’ll go now. A beat. Walkie Talkie SFX SANTA Hello North Pole? Get me the ass-kicking squad. We got another one. Yep. Lock it in.

CLYDE Hang on, hang on, hang on! Jingle, why was that Santa a woman? ELVES Shut up Clyde! JINGLE First of all, she was a mall santa. BINGLE Although she does work for us. TINGLE That’s true Bingle… And it’s 2020 Clyde. Women can be anything they want. CLYDE But why do all of the Santa’s in these stories sound different? JINGLE Clyde you tinselhead… Welcome… To the Santa-Verse. CLYDE Are you trying to tell me that there really are an infinite number of realms of being or potential being of which this universe is regarded as a part or instance. Therefore there are an infinite number of Santas in an infinite number of realities!?!? BEAT BINGLE Um… Wow! Yeah! TINGLE Clyde, I think you’re actually coming around! CLYDE Guys egg nog tastes like glue. TINGLE Ugh… That’s because it IS glue. CLYDE Oh. BINGLE Clyde… You are just the least… JINGLE Anywaaaaays… This one is about how humans celebrate Christmas Eve.

The snow all around starts a-piling The sight brings a tear to the eye Folks share in the love and that’s inspiring The stockings hang empty just nearby And the eggnog is spiked for the evening The kids are sleeping soundly in their bed My lover’s panicked eyes do the speaking As she points to the empty stockings with dread Chorus: Start the car, grab the card, they’re just open ten more minutes When in doubt, don’t freak out, that’s why God invented Guinness Don’t delay, it’s not too late, there’s a chance for success Just believe in Christmas Eve at CVS The doors slide apart, that clean smell hits the air. Run straight to the seasonal aisle just as fast as I can What the hell can I buy, so it looks like I care? What is left on the shelf that is even worth a damn? Let’s see, they still have candy canes and the odd knockoff toy Scented candles, funny socks, a blanket with a winter swirl Angry Santas, a couple Fantas, that’ll do for my boy And a fair polar bear, perfect for my little girl Chorus Got my 10 items or less as I get in line towards the front Got a smile 10 miles wide, won’t have to sleep in the yard Grab my wallet and think I pulled off this hunt Then I realize, I forgot my rewards card Chorus

SFX: hospital sounds, quiet beeps SFX: Door opens DOCTOR Good evening Sarah! Nurse Rachel filled me in on everything. You’ve grown quite a bit since we’ve last met, huh? Looking rather portly! Now, let’s get a listen on that heartbeat. SARAH Doctor, I…I…hope he’s coming soon. I feel like I’ve gained…fifty pounds in the last month. I’ve had intense cookie cravings almost every night. SFX: switch turns on SFX: ho-ho, ho-ho, (pause) ho-ho heartbeat DOCTOR That’s odd. Why…do you hear that? Sort of a – SARAH Ho…ho…ho…doctor why is my baby’s heart saying ho? SFX: switch turns off DOCTOR Nothing to worry about ma’am, every baby is…unique. Perfectly healthy and – gosh. SFX: magical wind blow DOCTOR Gosh, it’s cold in here. Do you feel that? Feels like it just dropped below freezing! These old hospital walls don’t - SARAH (heavier breathing) Oh, oh, ahhhhhHHHH I think he’s coming DOCTOR Keep breathing deep breaths, let’s feel how you’re doing down there …wow. You have got to be the most dilated patient I’ve ever had. This is going to be a quick one, I mean, you are wide, wide open. And boy, it may be cold in this room, but it is going to be a very warm welcome for baby! You got a fire going at the end of this chimney? Haha SARAH I don’t know doctoooOOHHHH MY GOD DOCTOR OH MY GOD! I mean, yes, here comes baby! Deep breaths. You might feel me now, I’m just helping to guide things along. (beat) Wow, I am feeling a very full head of hair. Is this on his head? What am I feeling here? I mean wow, this is a lot of hair. SFX: wig hair through hole SARAH Is it supposed to scratch? Why is it feeling so scratchy? DOCTOR Sarah, I… SARAH WHY IS IT SCRATCHING?? DOCTOR (laughing) Sarah, the head is out and I need you to keep pushing! I am sorry to laugh at your baby - (to himself) Is it a man? No, just a very burly baby - (louder, laughing a little) I really am so sorry, in spite of myself I just can’t help but laugh at the sight of him, I mean, he is giving me the cutest little wink - SARAH AhhhhhHHHH DOCTOR Here he comes, he’s coming to town! He’s quite large in the middle, but of course you can feel that. Now, I don’t want to alarm you, but your baby has a kind of…well, let’s just call it a beard. A sort of white beard. Very bushy. Makes me a little jealous! Don’t let that deter you, haha, push, push! SARAH WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY BABY HAS A BEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH DOCTOR First-rate pushing! Just – a – little – more – ahhhhh! SFX: gentle squish as BABY SANTA exits the birthing canal SFX: soft baby ho-ho-ho crying and gentle bell tinkling of the tears, continues in the background SARAH (exhaling rapidly) DOCTOR Congratulations, ma’am. You’ve given birth to a beauti-, erm, a baby boy, and what a sweet ring his first cry has – ope! Here comes the rest of the amniotic sac! Keep pushing! SARAH It’s poking me! It’s pokingahhoowwWWWW DOCTOR My…my god. I don’t…I SARAH AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhh DOCTOR Okay, wow. SARAH WHAT DOCTOR Wow, wow, wow. There are little…toys. SFX: little tinkers/bells ringing DOCTOR You’ve just delivered hundreds of little toys…there are little racecars, little dollies, yeeouch, looks like a little hammer and lots of little tacks… (beat) Ma’am, I have to ask. Did you eat these? SARAH Are you serious? DOCTOR No judgement! I myself used to munch on napkins after dinner, I – SARAH Can I hold him? SFX: BABY SANTA crying stops as he coos ho-ho-hos, baby cooing continues SFX: squishing sound as the DOCTOR touches the bb fluid DOCTOR And this fluid…thicker than usual…almost…jelly like. I can’t believe this was all in there, this is bowls worth! SARAH (panicked but laughing a little) I see what you mean about the laughter, he’s so cheery looking it’s hard not to…does my baby look wrinkly? Are these crow’s feet around his eyes? DOCTOR Wrinkles? At his age, no. But the womb can be a stressful place, I’m sure. Ha. SARAH He’s so plump. Is he okay? His belly is most of his body! DOCTOR Well, one sees new things every day! Yesterday I saw a pigeon with two heads! Of course, as I got closer I saw it was only one pigeon with another pigeon right behind it, but wow, a miracle nonetheless! It’s a miracle that you were able to have such a quick-quick-quick (snap-snap-snaps like “up on the rooftop click click click”) labor for such a hefty tot! Like I said though, you were as wide as the Chunnel. SARAH I guess you’re right. (beat) It’s some kind of miracle, isn’t it? DOCTOR Right here at the 34th Street Hospital! SFX: bell dings SARAH My beautiful miracle boy. Why, I think I’ll name him…Chris. You know, like Columbus. DOCTOR Of course. I love that guy! SARAH (speaking softly to BABY SANTA) Chris…Chris. My miracle baby. DOCTOR (contented sigh) Well…that’s my cue. Off to go deliver some more babies, less fascinating ones I’m sure. (beat) Did you need a telephone to call the father? SARAH (chuckling) Him? No. Met the guy last winter and he practically melted away by spring. Left me with nothing but his old hat and pipe. Flakey guy. DOCTOR For him to abandon you like this is downright naughty! SARAH He’ll get what he deserves. And I got what I always wished for. (beat) Plus, I should’ve mentioned, he was a snowman. Probably not great father material. SFX: BABY SANTA laughs ho, ho, ho (SARAH and DOCTOR also laughing) SFX: Frosty the snowman whistles/cover music fades out

Sup, Boo. I know we just started kickin’ it. But Christmas is right around the corner and I just want to make sure we’re on the same page. I know money is tight right now. ButI’m learning it’s important to be clear about what I want...and need. So listen up. I’m about to drop some specifics on you... You’re Tchaikovsky, I’m your sugar plum fairy Wanna see me fly? Just massage my derriere-y Yeah you heard me right, I’m into rump stuff But I’m a baby in my Christmas onesie, so please don’t do me rough Just some little pats and some circle motions Will float me off to dreamland like a cloud atop the ocean Rubba dub dub and a rum pum pum pum Play the funky music little drummer boy on my bum Rub my butt for Christmas Rub my butt, rub my butt, rub my butt Rub my butt for Christmas Rub my butt for Christmas Rub my butt, rub my butt, rub my butt Rub my butt for Christmas I’ll be making snow angels inbetween the sheets You can join me in a bit just focus on my butt cheeks You don’t like fruitcake? C’mon, give it a jiggle This for me? Nah, this for both of us let’s make it amicable Put your candy cane away, I’m diabetic Can’t be doing nothing carnal, got myself a headache I wanna get freaky...NEXT year, this one is done Until then make me SNOREgasm by rubbin’ on my buns, hun Rub my butt for Christmas Rub my butt, rub my butt, rub my butt Rub my butt for Christmas Rub my butt for Christmas Rub my butt, rub my butt, rub my butt Rub my butt for Christmas

(Garrett and Nick are laying in their bunk beds. It’s almost Midnight on Christmas Eve) NICK (whispering) Psst! Garrett! Garrett! Psst! GARRETT Nick… What? I’m trying to sleep. NICK Do you think Santa is really coming tonight? GARRETT Yes, Santa is coming tonight. Ass and all. Now go to sleep! BEAT NICK Pssssssssssssstttt. And he’s coming down the chimney? GARRETT Yes! Now hit the hay! BEAT NICK Psstt. Pssst. Psst. Do you think he eats cookies at every house? GARRETT Yes Nick! Now go to bed or he won’t bring your dumb Barney toys. BEAT NICK Pssssssssttttttt. Pssst. Pssst. PSSSST! If he’s eating all of those cookies he probably has to use the bathroom a lot. GARRETT Nick, I don’t know! NICK He’s probably crapping a ton with all of that junk in his tummy. GARRETT I don’t know! I just want my presents in the morning. Go to bed! BEAT NICK Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. People should really leave TP out for him along with the milk n’ cookies. GARRETT Nick, we aren’t going to start leaving out toilet paper. NICK What if he doesn’t even use the toilet? What if he just does a big crap right there in the chimney? GARRETT Nick! I don’t want to talk about Santa’s big craps! NICK I’m just saying, if you find a crap, big or small, at the bottom of the chimney in the morning, it’s probably from Santa. GARRETT Nick, no, this can’t happen again NICK Santa taking a crap in the chimney? I know. It’s messed up. GARRETT First you crapped in a basket and then blamed the Easter Bunny. NICK Yeah, there was a carrot in that crap! Could’ve been him! GARRETT Then you crapped in my bag of candy on Halloween. NICK Trick-or-treat, Garrett! Somebody was pranking us! Besides, you didn’t even taste it to see if it was a crap! GARRETT And on Thanksgiving you crapped in the oven and it stunk up the whole house! NICK It could’ve been from the turkey! We never took the crap to the lab for testing! GARRETT And now you’re saying that you crapped in the chimney on CHRISTMAS?! NICK No, I’m saying that Santa did! I’m older now, Garrett! I don’t crap on holidays anymore. SFX: Lightswitch GARRETT Alright! C’mon! We’re going downstairs and you’re going to clean up that crap! (NICK grabs GARRETT by the ear) NICK Ow! Let me go! If there is a crap, it’s not mine! It’s Santa’s! (GARRETT drags NICK out of their room and down the stairs) SFX: Two boys running down the stairs SANTA (straining) And here she comes… SFX: Big Farts/Craps NICK Santa! It’s you! SANTA Ohhhh uhhh… Uh-oh. Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas, children! SFX: Santa messing with his belt scrambling to get his pants on. GARRETT You were crapping in our chimney, Santa! Ass and all! SANTA That’s right! And where’s the TP that you leave out for Santa? GARRETT You can’t crap there, Santa! Clean up your crap! SANTA Nope. Sorry. Too busy! Enjoy the stupid Barney toys. Bye! SFX: Santa zooping up the chimney NICK See Garrett! I told you! GARRETT Well, who is going to clean this up? And wait a minute! What’s this over here? Somebody crapped under the tree! NICK Well, I uhhhh, well uhhhh… I bet it was ummmm uhh… Oopsie daisy?

SFX: Arctic icy winds blowing. Maybe some very light public domain Christmas music. SON Dad, I appreciate you taking me up here, but I woulda been happy doing eggnog at your place, we didn’t have to go ice fishing in the middle of nowhere. DAD Well you’re getting older now and I wanted to pass something onto you. A little...tradition...that your grandfather passed down to me and that, one day, I hope you can pass on to yours. What better place than out here on the quiet winter ice? SON Sure Dad, of course. What is it? DAD (serious) What do you know about Santa? SON What do you mean what do I know about Santa? DAD (getting intense) Look, it doesn’t matter. All you need to know is all that stuff about Santa is real, but also it’s bad. SON What the fuck? SFX: The Christmas music abruptly cuts off. More ominous/terrifying music starts playing. DAD (talking faster) We actually don’t have much time son, I need you to focus. Listen to this song I’m about to play on the flute and then learn the finger movements. Now! SFX: He plays a short flute melody very quickly. Ice starts cracking. SON Where did you get a flute? DAD Shut up and listen, the helicopters are going to be here soon! We trapped Santa in the Earth’s core under the ice so he could never reign down on us again. But something’s gone wrong—something’s happened—and we need to free him. It’s our responsibility to bring him back. SFX: Helicopter sounds. More ice breaking. Godzilla noises. DAD (screaming) Awaken great beast! For we need your powers once more! SON (crying) What the hell is happening? DAD Mecha-Santa has descended on Tokyo!!! We sent tanks into take him down, but something’s different about him now! He’s grown smarter...more agile!!! We need to raise Santa back up from hell to do our bidding one final time. SON (crying) Dad we’re from Ohio… DAD There’s not gonna be an Ohio if we don’t break Santa from the frozen ocean. Quick, shoot him with this gun. SON (still crying) Where did you get a gun? SFX: A gun firing. DAD These darts are full of a chemical that will dissolve the iron in Santa’s blood so that Mecha-Santa won’t be able to trace his magnetic field. This is the only way can get the jump on him. SON (crying) Why are we doing this? SFX: More Godzilla sounds and explosions. DAD (screaming) Dodge! Roll! Don’t let his fire breath melt the ice beneath us. SFX: Helicopters. Someone shouting indistinctly from a megaphone. DAD (screaming) He’s right, if he doesn’t stop Mecha-Santa from tearing the mouth of Mount Fuji wide open, all hope is lost!!! SON (crying) Is this what you did when you said you were on sales trips? DAD (screaming) What do you think! SON If this is Santa, then who dressed up at our house on Christmas? DAD (screaming) Our old neighbor Frank! SFX: Godzilla noises. Explosions. Loud stuff. DAD (screaming) Shin-Santa Claus is making his list! He’s checking it twice!!! SON (crying) I wanna go home. DAD (screaming) Lay still and let him pick you up. The helicopters will lead us back into the battle! If he can sense fear in your heart, you’re done for. Merry Christmas, my boy. Merry Christmas!!! SON (crying) Merry Christmas… SFX: Godzilla noises. Screaming. Explosions. More loud stuff.

“Being a total Scrooge” TEENY TERRENCE Six Pense None The Richer! Six Pense None The Richer! Six Pense None The Richer! HUMPHREY DORY I don’t have anything, son. TEENY TERRENCE You’re being a total Scrooge! Humphrey (with lawnmower) Oh you say Scrooge like it’s a bad word! TEENY TERRENCE Screw Scrooge. HUMPHREY DORY What’s your name son? TEENY TERRENCE Teeny Terrance. HUMPHREY DORY use Scrooge’s name in again. TEENY TERRENCE I’m not promising you jack squat without any PENCE! HUMPHREY DORY I’ll tell you what. I’ll give you fourpence if you just jump into this piano with me. TEENY TERRENCE Huh? A piano time machine? HUMPHREY DORY I’ll tell you about the Scrooge I knew. Zoom into the Scrooge’s past. (Keyboard magic sounds) The year was 1944. JAZZ CLUB. Mouth instruments LOTS of layering in the jazz scene. TEENY TERRENCE A jazz club? HUMPHREY DORY Hey Barkeep, Scrooge in this town? JOHN The name’s John. You just missed him. TEENY TERRENCE Well, I guess you can give me my four pence now! JOHN Well, there’s his drink if you want to finish it. It’s an old fashioned. HUMPHREY DORY Oh Teen Teen. I’ll take that one. You’re not quite of age yet. TEENY TERRENCE OH COME ON JUST ONE SIP I PROMISE! HUMPHREY DORY All right, just a sip there. SLURPING. Burps. CYMBALIST Hey! This guy in a cap and nightgown just fixed our sound system completely. We ain’t neva hoyd somethin’ sound so good in our lives. HUMPHREY DORY Did you catch his name? CYMBALIST Somethin’ like Tooge, Pooge, Hooge? TEENY TERRENCE & HUMPH Scrooge?!? CYMBALIST That’s the one! TEENY TERRENCE Scrooge, helped the band… HUMPHREY DORY Do you believe me now? That Scrooge was good? TEENY TERRENCE I still think he sucks And of course I would HUMPHREY A random act of kindness Without his name attached TEENY TERRENCE A heart of coal He’s the definition of BAD TEENY TERRENCE Big whoop Scrooge fixed a speaker! HUMPHREY DORY Oh Teeny Terr, it’s time to go! Jump into the piano! Time machine sound. TEENY TERRENCE Why are we in camo? HUMPHREY DORY It was the Battle of Bunker Hill. Explosion. TEENY TERRENCE This timeline does not match up. Wasn’t Scrooge born in HUMPHREY I never said I was a good time traveler, but you will see the good in Scrooge when I’m through Explosion. TEENY TERRENCE WATCH OUT! HUMPHREY Maybe I shouldn’t have brought us here. Explosion. SOLIDER #1 That man just caught a bullet for me. TEENY TERRENCE Who, Scrooge? HUMPHREY DORY No, son. I did. TEENY TERRENCE Humphrey Dory! Are you alright? HUMPHREY DORY I’ll be fine BB. Just a knick of the shoulder. TEENY TERRENCE Scrooge literally had nothing to do with the Battle of Bunker Hill, did he? HUMPHREY DORY Do you believe me now? That Scrooge was good? TEENY TERRENCE Scrooge legit wasn’t there There’s no way I would HUMPHREY DORY But we still learned something Valuable today TEENY TERRENCE And what was that? HUMPHREY DORY I’ll tell you another day TEENY TERRENCE Okayyy... TEENY TERRENCE I think I get it, Scrooge was a decent man. Cough over the four pence! HUMPHREY ONE MORE JUMP INTO THE PIANO Time machine sound. TEENY TERRENCE Why are we watching kids playing basketball? HUMPHREY DORY Recognize that little guy with the scar above his left eye? TEENY TERRENCE No... HUMPHREY DORY It’s you Terrence, it’s YOU as a young boy! Look how sad you look! BULLIES (Overlapping) You’re SO tiny! You’ll never make a layup! Teeny Teeny Terrence! HUMPHREY DORY Look who's coming this way! It’s SCROOGE! In a nightgown and cap! Lifting you up Teeny Terrence to make the alley-oop! TEENY TERRENCE I don’t remember this at all. Yeah, that’s definitely not me. HUMPHREY DORY Oh dear. I screwed it up again. Well, keep watching anyhow. Scrooge is about to speak. SCROOGE Just because he’s Teeny Tiny doesn’t mean he’s Tim. I’m sorry I got my T’s crossed. What I am trying to say is, just because he’s tiny doesn’t mean you can pick on him! I once knew a Tiny lad by the name of Tim. And what he lacked in stature, he made up for in the size of his heart. KIDS EWWW! QUIT BEING A TOTAL SCROOGE! SCROOGE I… I… HUMPHREY DORY Scrooge just exited court left, crying… HUMPHREY DORY Do you believe me now? That Scrooge was good? TEENY TERRENCE YES! Humphrey, you’re right. Oh, my tear ducts are leaking… HUMPHREY DORY (laughs) You’re crying, BB. TEENY TERRENCE I’d never thought I’d shed a tear Only knew to drown my sorrow in beer But now I know that Scrooge was good And now give me my four pence Wind chime. HUMPHREY DORY Oh! It’s time to help the next adolescent learn that it’s not a bad thing to be a total Scrooge. TEENY TERRENCE Thank you, Humphrey Dory. HUMPHREY DORY Well I’ll be on my way On my lawn mower in the sky TEENY TERRENCE Wait, where’s my four pence? HUMPHREY DORIS AhHhhHhhh TEENY TERRENCE Where are you going? How does that lawn mower fly? HUMPHREY DORIS AhHhhHhh TEENY TERRENCE Where are you going? HUMPHREY DORIS AhHhhHhh TEENY TERRENCE Where’s that damn piano? How do I get home? (beat) Four Pence None The Richer! Four Pence None The Richer! Four Pence None The Richer!

TINGLE And that is the story of Scrooge! BINGLE Whoa that was like a whole musical! CLYDE I like time travel! JINGLE Shut up, Clyde! SANTA Ho, ho, ho! There are my happy elves! ELVES AH! CLYDE Oh, Santa’s coming! JINGLE Silver BELLS, Clyde! You were supposed to be the lookout! SANTA Are you telling stories again? I’ve got a few good ones! Why there was the time I was too drunk to film a television commercial. ELVES Ugh… SANTA Wait! Come back! What about the father and son who found out the dad’s parents were super freaks? BINGLE LEt’s go guys… SANTA Or the time I shaved my beard and felt like a young TIMOTHY CHALEMET!?!? Come back! CLYDE I’ll listen Santa! SANTA Shut up Clyde…