1. |
||||
Looks like I'm spending the night alone
Not even looking at my telephone
The house is empty but my plans are big
I've got Asgard, corn nuts, and a wig
I've got Asgard (and that's where Thor comes from)
I've got corn nuts (a little yum yum yum)
I've got a wig (and it's Brazilian)
I've got the perfect elements for night for one
If you were stopping on by the house
You'd see me sitting pretty on the couch
My snack is corny but it isn't nuts
And it's all topped off with Disney Plus
I've got Asgard (I'm talking Ragnarok)
I've got corn nuts (the only snack they had in stock)
I've got a wig (I'm wearing it around the clock)
And all my thoughts are coming to me in baby talk
I've got Asgard (repeating on my TV screen)
I've got corn nuts (the champion's cuisine)
I've got a wig (I'm looking like a fancy queen)
I guess I'm doing pretty well in quarantine
|
||||
2. |
Stump(f)
03:07
|
|||
My grade school music teacher
Was named Mrs. Stump
Or maybe it was Mrs. Stumpf
I’m not sure if there was an “f” at the end of it
I was a kid, and my memory is selective
And maybe is was Miss or maybe it was Mrs
I’m pretty sure it wasn’t Ms
She drove a Trans Am On the hood was painted a large feathered,
winged, egg-laying vertebrate with a beak
Some might have simply called it
a bird
Specifically an eagle, or perhaps a hawk
I couldn’t say for certain
And I only know a little about birds
I went birding once and I liked it
It was more of a beginner’s guided 60 minute tour
where the local nature center supplied binoculars
For a $2 donation
Also I used to listen to bird sounds at night,
On a cassette that I checked out from my local public library
I don’t remember much except the common grackle
She got mad at me once during music class
Because I rolled up a piece of paper
And pretended it was a cigarette
She yelled for what seemed like an eternity
It wasn’t an eternity
Cuz If it was she’d still be yelling
Every week we got to pick a song for the entire class to sing
Like Yellow Submarine
I would raise my hand and request that we sing a song called Cat’s in the Cradle
Which is a really depressing song about a dad and a son
The dad ignores his son and is always promising the son more attention
But never follows through because he’s busy with work
And then when the son grows up and the dad is older and needs attention
And the kid has been conditioned his whole life to not receive any attention
So the tables turn and now the kid doesn’t have time for the dad any more And the dad probably dies, though I don’t know if the song mentions that
It was written a long time ago so I can’t imagine that the dad is still living
And I guess the lesson of that song is hug your kids
It’s a pretty harrowing song and I loved it when I was 8
I was probably a depressed kid
Wrapped up in a goofy awkward kid
I’m more comfortable in my own skin now
Even though that didn’t happen
until I was 40 or so
Still, that’s a good thing
And now that I think about it
I’m almost positive it was Stumpf
|
||||
3. |
ALL-ergies
01:59
|
|||
4. |
The Porcupine
03:05
|
|||
People on the dancing floor
Seen it all and still want more
Something fresh and something new
Something with an attitude
You've got something they've never seen
Of course you do, you dancing queen
Just bend down low and shake your spine
Now you're doing the porcupine
Now shake it
Everybody stares in awe
They're picturing your little claws
They're just jealous, hold the line
They just don't know the porcupine
Now shake it
Europe, Asia, Africa
North and South America
Eating clover, leaves, and twigs
You're also known as a quill pig
No!
You're the porcupine
|
||||
5. |
Porcupine's Dilemma
02:06
|
|||
I want to kiss and cuddle
And melt in a puddle
With you ooo ooo
I want to hug and smile
And linger for a while
With you ooo ooo
Oh I do
Yeah I do
But I’m a prickly prickly porcupine
I’ll make you bleed and then you die
Prickly prickly porcupine
Make you bleed and then you die
Prickly prickly porcupine
I’ll make you bleed and then you die
So we shouldn’t
I want to sidle up next to you
Do the things we like to do
Ooo ooo ooo
I want to write a love letter
Make each other feel better
Boopee doopee doopee doo
I want to meet your mom and dad
Hold each other and be glad
I do ooo ooo
I want to kiss you on the mouth
And then we’ll buy a house
For me and you
Oh I do
Yeah I do
But I’m a prickly prickly porcupine
I’ll make you bleed and then you die
Prickly prickly porcupine
I’ll make you bleed and then you die
My body’s made of little knives
Get too close, meet your demise
I’m sharp, jagged, and dangerous
I’m made of shards, you’ll make a fuss
You’ll scream out in sheer agony
You’ll curse the day you ever met me
You’ll die crumpled at my feet
Oh it will be so bittersweet
So we shouldn’t
And your blood will stain my needles
So I’ll have to take a bath
(Yawn) I’m tired
|
||||
6. |
Footnote
02:57
|
|||
Well I'm a footnote, baby, and I don't mean maybe
And I'm sitting underneath your main text
You could have fit me into the yarn you spin
But you're the author so I guess you know best
It ain't that cool to be supplementary
To be a little insignificant fact
But if there's any information than requires explanation
They can look to me and then they'll look back
I'm just a footnote, yeah I'm just a footnote
I'm just a footnote, I'm just a little old footnote
But now the glossary, the index and me
You'll see us coming up and over the trench
Because the day has come for revolution
And we're finally gonna get our revenge
All the other words are gonna really hurt
When I take over the spotlight for once
'Cause once I finally got 'em they'll be down here at the bottom
Yeah, those cocky and conceited old... jerks
I'm not just a footnote, no not just a footnote
I'm not just a footnote, throw some respect on the footnote
Now with the battle won, you'd think my work is done
But if you're squeamish then you'd better not look
'Cause I'll direct my rage at the title page
Then, motherfucker, I will be the whole book
I'm not just a footnote, I am a violent footnote
And now you're the footnote, this is revenge of the footnote
|
||||
7. |
||||
8. |
Smear You
03:40
|
|||
These twelve years together have never been better
You know that I love you so much
Oh, you're such a delight each and every night
With your belching and farting and such
At dinner you're able to sit at the table
Just clipping the nails of your toes
And if we split up you know that you're fucked
'Cause I know things that nobody knows
Oh, now that I've loved you
There's no reason to fear you
If ever you leave me
I can always just smear you
I’ve learned so much about you
From just being near you
If ever you leave me
I can always smear you
I will never forget that night we first met
Your smile made me weak in the knees
Even though you're no hunk and when you get drunk
You get racist about the Chinese
Oh, I'll never get sick of your miniature prick
Or the tramp stamp you have of Saddam
But if you cease to hold me remember you told me
How you really feel 'bout your mom
Oh, now that I've loved you
There's no reason to fear you
If ever you leave me
I can always just smear you
I’ve learned so much about you
From just being near you
If ever you leave me
I can always smear you
|
||||
9. |
Eat More Pasta
01:54
|
|||
14 angel hair pasta noodles
Sitting on the side of the road
One got married and was never fulfilled and remained in the marriage out of fear of change
questioning every decision in life
Until she sought help from a licensed therapist
who helped restore a sense of self-worth and independence
Eat your pasta every day
For every meal and in between
14 helpings, one pound each
Gain some weight and strengthen your heart
14 fusili pasta noodles
Sitting on the side of the road
5 of them rented a cabin
and spent a weekend exploring themselves and each other
3 of the 5 were totally on board
Now they’re in a triad
The other two are living a monogamous life yet are still thankful for the experience
Eat your pasta every day
Breakfast, lunch, and dinner and dessert
14 helpings, one pound each
Don’t believe the serving size you read on the box
14 macaroni pasta noodles
Sitting on the side of the road
12 graduated from a university
Even though their hearts weren’t in it
They went through the motions because they couldn’t stand up to their parents
Now they’re stuck in middle management and in their 40s
Paying a student loan with a major that’s irrelevant
Eat your pasta every day
Set it on fire and see if it burns
Question the nature of reality
And never believe that consciousness is a tangible construct
Its tactile nature is subjective
Maybe you’re a non-playing character in somebody else’s dream and that’s why you’re going nowhere in life
Hmmm hmmm hmm hmmm
|
||||
10. |
Syllabus
04:39
|
|||
Yeah ye ye
Ye ye ye
Ye ye ye
I’ve been waiting for this day all summer
Even had the chance to have a lover
I’ve never been kissed
I said no I can’t go to the movies
Gotta get ready for the first day of school
And that day is finally here
Took my toothbrush to clean my sneakies
Then I used the same toothbrush to brush my teethies
Picked out my outfit picked out my jewels
Before I got on the bus I took my morning poo
THEN BAM
Walk into the class
Teacher plops stapled paper in my hand
It’s the moment we’ve been waiting fooooooor
It’s time to read the
CHORUS
SYLLABUS SYLLABUS SYLLABUS SYL-LEE-BUS
SYLLABUS SYLLABUS SYLLABUS SYL-LEE-BUS
But first
I gotta tell everyone what I did last summer
Frank 1: My names Frank
Frank 2: My names Frank
Frank 2: Over the summer I met Tom Hanks
Frank 1: I rode a tank
Both: That’s basically the same thing!
Let’s be friends! OK!
Wait but first we need to get back to the SYL-LEE-BUS SYLLABUS
Oh right! The Syllabus Heehee
There’s something about the smell of the paper
The bullet points and its organized nature
Comic Sans Size 12
Is music to my eyes
But the best part of this day
Is that we don’t have to use our brains
Like at all
Frank 1: Oh, Mrs. Fark! I’ll read the first paragraph!
Mrs. F: Oh go right ahead, my dear!!
Frank 1: Week one, colon
First bullet point
Students will read Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone
Period
Second bullet point
Mrs. F: Oh dear, you don’t have to read all the punctuation out -
Frank 1: Excuse me, Mrs. Fark. I don’t appreciate you interrupting me
Mrs. F: Oh so sorry Frank
Sally Buss: Ahem, I’m Sally Buss. Um I’m not allowed to read Harry Potter. My parents said magic is a sin
Mrs. F: I’m sure they did Sally Buss. Well I guess we’ll have to read Moby Dick instead!
Class: Awwww man. Classic Sally Buss. Buzzkill!!
God damn that
CHORUS
SALLY BUSS SALLY BUSS SALLY BUSS SAL-LEE-BUSS
SALLY BUSS SALLY BUSS SALLY BUSS SAL-LEE-BUSS
DING DING DING
Frank 1: What it’s time to go ALREADY!
Frank 2: How did this day go by so sl-fast
Frank 1: I’ll never forget the new faces I met
Frank 2: It feels like just this morning we learned how to ask permission to go pee or poop
Frank 1: We learned to burp on the inside not the out
Frank 2: Chivalry is not dead
Frank 1: I’ll never forget this #day
Frank 2: No homework no tests no expectaaaaayayayyyayyyayyytions
Frank 2: Frank?
Frank 1: Yes Frank?
Frank 2: Shall we?
Frank 1: Sure! Hey, wait
That bus is blue.
Frank 2: That looks silly.
Both: That’s a silly bus!!!
Driver: Hey kids! I don’t recognize you! You must be new to Route 66!! What did you learn in school today?
Franks: Nothing!!
Driver: Cool! All aboard!!
Time to ride the…..
CHORUS
SILLY BUS SILLY BUS SILLY BUS SIL-LEE-BUS
SILLY BUS SILLY BUS SILLY BUS SIL-LEE-BUS
Frank 1: Hey, Frank, I can’t seem to find my Syllabus anywhere
Frank 2: Wait, wait, a second me neither!
Frank 1: Fuck, I guess we lost it
Frank 2: They really should make it digital!
Frank 1: But there’s something about the smell of the paper-SMACK!
Frank 2: Not again! We just sang that!
Driver: Alright since there’s no kids left on this bus. I guess I’ll go home!
Frank 2: I think we missed our stop!
SILLY US!
Silly us!
|
Go Comedy! Ferndale, Michigan
Go Comedy! is a comedy theater in Ferndale, MI
Streaming and Download help
Bandcamp Daily your guide to the world of Bandcamp